So, today is 18 days ‘clean’ for me. I woke up this morning and immediately weighed myself because it has been 7 days since my last official weigh in. I’ve lost 3.6lbs since last week, which makes just over 10lbs overall. Now, I’ve read like a million different things that say how much is a ‘healthy’ amount to lose per week or per month, but I guess as long as I don’t feel like I’m dying or anything, whatever happens, happens. I weighed myself at the end of the day a couple times this week and my weight seemed about the same, though, so I don’t know how much to believe or not believe.

I’ve even had some hard days this week. I’m really proud of myself for pushing thru. One of my biggest problems is that I crave food late in the evening. I work til 3am, so I want to eat like all night… And on the days I don’t work, like Thursday and Friday, when I’m at home, I want to hang out with my husband and… you guessed it, EAT. I actually went to bed pretty early the last few nights because I couldn’t stop obsessing about feeling like I need to be putting something in my mouth, even if its just beer. Each beer is like 110 calories, so if I drink for a couple hours with Jared, I could easily consume waaaay too many calories. So, I need to find something to replace that with so I can stay up and hang out with him, because I know that he wants me to. Maybe I will have to try drinking the crystal light stuff instead of beer. It also doesn’t help that HE sits there and eats. He can go thru like a whole bag of sunflower seeds, a steak, two potatoes, and anything else he can get his hands on. Damn him and his high metabolism. I tried to tell him last night that it was hard for me to stay up while he just sits there and munches, but he just got a little defensive and said that he’s hungry after work, which I totally understand. Plus, he doesn’t have a weight problem, so its not fair for me to ask him to stop.

I feel somewhat silly contradicting myself because in treatment, I tell my clients that it is IDEAL that their family members get rid of all of the drugs or alcohol in the house. Having shitty food at home doesn’t trigger me, but binging on it does. Of course, the rest of the days, even when others aren’t binging, I feel like I want to. Being at work when it is slow is like the hardest thing ever. There isn’t anything to do BUT munch. Grr.

On a more positive note, I did reach my goal of working out three times this week. I started the C25K thing last Saturday, and completed week 1 on Thursday. Today I started week 2 and it was SO hard. There were only 6 cycles instead of 8, obviously because the running and walking parts were each longer, but I swear I thought my legs would fall off. I am tempted to look and see what next week will be, but I fear that if I do, I’ll quit. SO, one day at a time, dammit!

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This is where I run on my lunch break. There is a concrete path that goes around this soccer field / baseball field thing. On Saturdays, like today, it gets pretty busy and I get somewhat self conscious. Some people just walk, and others just run, but it seems like when I look around, nobody notices anyone else, so I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling embarrassed or something.  Today I saw a woman running who looked to be around my size (I’m not sure if that’s true or I just have a distorted view of myself), who was doing an amazing job. She didn’t stop to walk, she just kept running! My negative brain took over for a short time and made me wonder if it was inspiring that she could run that far at my size, or depressing because you can be in ‘good shape’ and still be fat. After I recognized that I had this negative thought, I convinced myself that it was inspiring. Who knows? Maybe she’s lost a lot of weight and is still working towards her goal. I’m hoping to be able to run 3 miles by the end of 2 months, and I’m certainly not going to be slim yet, so I feel like I should try to focus on the positives – there is hope for me!

Tonight I’m going to the Beerfest in Pittsburgh and I’ve been planning to not eat too much today just so I could splurge a little on the calories. “Not too much” is hopefully around 1,000 food calories during the day and then hope that whatever beers I consume wont put me much over 1,000 more. It helps me feel better that I ran today so that if I do go over 2,000 for the day, it will be somewhat justified.

It feels like I had a lot of random weird thoughts for this, so hopefully getting them out has been somewhat cathartic. Trying to hang on this week has been tough, so I’m hoping next week is a little easier. I’ve been shooting for 1,300-1,600 calories per day instead of the planned 1,500-1,800, so we will have to see if this continues to feel like enough. I’m still working on recognizing if I’m actually hungry late in the evening or if I’m just habitually eating. I’m thinking its the second.

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