Although today is a weigh-in day, and I’m very satisfied with my progress this week, the real news is that its finally spring! I believe Thursday was really the ‘first’ day of spring, but I didn’t get to work out outside until today, so YAY spring! I wore capri’s to my internship yesterday because it was supposed to reach 52 in Pittsburgh, and for the first four hours of the day, it snowed giant snow flakes! We actually got about 2-3 inches of snow… and the temp still made it up to 52 by the time I went home!
All of the snow we accumulated in the morning was melted by about 4pm. Mother nature has sure been throwing us for a loop this year. I’m hoping that this warm spell sticks and we don’t get any more snow. Of course, that isn’t going to happen, because snow is on the forecast for Monday and Tuesday again.
Ok – back to weight loss. For my weigh-in day, I was back on track like I had been in previous weeks! I lost 3.2lbs this week, for a total of 19 overall! I was secretly hoping that I would miraculously lose 4lbs so I could be at 20lbs, but all in good time. Nineteen lbs is actually ALMOST 1/6th of my goal weight loss. If I lose about 10 more pounds, I will have lost 10% of my body weight! That is my next foreseeable goal. I feel like if I try to set smaller goals, the total weight will not seem so daunting. Three lbs per week (like this week) is what I’m comfortable with, and it makes me feel good when I see that on the scale at the end of the week. Plus, I indulged a bit on Sunday after my mediocre weigh-in last week, and I think that reset my body or something. Obviously, I’m no weight genius, but that’s what I’m telling myself anyways.
This week I came across another new revelation. It seems as though everyone has sweet things or unhealthy things around every day. There was a potluck at work on Wednesday, someone baked cookies Tuesday, and we did a mindful eating exercise in class on Thursday in which everyone had to eat a Hershey’s kiss. I work with another girl who eats multiple chocolate bars per day while at work. The thing is, until recently I haven’t really felt anything when turning down an offer for garbage. This week, though, I don’t know if I’ve been more cranky or something, but I noticed that sometimes people want an excuse as to why you’re not eating the garbage they’re shoving in your face. For example, when my intern supervisor offered me a cookie, she put them right in my face (it was 10am), and was like, “Come on, they’re delicious!” I said no thanks, and she was like, “Oh, you dont like to eat other people’s food, or what?” What I wanted to say was, “It’s none of your fucking business,” but instead I just tried to be polite and say, “If I eat sweet things in the morning it makes my stomach hurt.” That isn’t a complete lie, but honestly, that’s only if it’s like before 7am, and my stomach hurts because my body does not want to be awake that early.
The truth is, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business if I’m trying to eat healthy or not, and frankly, I shouldn’t have to justify turning down a food offer. I think the real problem is that I’m self conscious about being fat, and I feel like they’re saying, “Obviously you eat a ton, so why are you turning down one more pile of calories”. This is probably not what they are saying, and in fact, some might even push crappy food on others to help themselves justify eating that crap, but because I’m not comfortable with my size, I internalize their projections. As a studying counselor, I am able to identify such coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms, but that doesn’t always make it easier to stop engaging in them. Maybe its a nice reminder that change isn’t easy.
In other news, Jared is in LA with one of his friends (Derek) for the weekend. I’m having these weird feelings, as if I’m jealous of his relationship with Derek right now. He’s been hanging out over at his house like 5-6 times a week, which is fine, but even on the days I’m home, he’s been going over there and leaving me alone. It’s not as though I don’t need my alone time, but some nights I just feel like I’m not really a priority. For example, on Sunday (my only day off all week), Jared left to go sit on Derek’s couch and watch some crappy basketball game that he doesn’t even care about, instead of staying home with me. It scares me partly because he has a history of using drugs, and he can get away with it there (Derek totally enables him), but also partially because it makes me feel like he doesn’t WANT to hang out with me. I probably talked about this before, but sometimes it makes me wonder if he wishes he were newly single like Derek is, because Derek was just dumped by his 3+ year live-in girlfriend (mainly because of drug use). Lots of this is too personal for most of the world to read, but this is something that ties into my weight – my irrational low self-worth at times. Lots of things are amazing in my marriage, but just the past few weeks have been hard on me, and its magnified this weekend because he’s gone for four days with Derek.
If I were the younger, game-playing me, I’d go out and flirt with a guy and then subtly talk about it in conversation to make Jared jealous. I’m not that girl anymore, but I’m trying to figure out how to be assertive about my feelings without sounding too whiny. The last thing I want to do is be a baby, because I know that will only push him away more. Nobody wants to hang out with a cranky, whiny, bratty baby. Ugh. I’ll have to check-in later this week to see what conclusion I come to about how I’ll handle this.
One more random topic – today was the beginning of W5 C25k workouts. Today I did 3 sets of 5 minutes, separated by 3min of walking. This is the week that things start getting crazy, as Monday Ill do two sets of 8 min separated by 5 min walking, and then Wednesday I’ll do 20 MINUTES OF JOGGING. AHHHHHHHHH. Today was so tough that I’m really anxious about trying to go 20 minutes straight on Wednesday. I just feel like there’s no way it’s going to happen. Today was tough, and I’m not sure if its because I only had a yogurt and Special K shake this morning before jogging (ate at 9-10am and ran at 2:30pm), or if I’m still sore from crossfit on Thursday. I definitely know I’m still sore from that, but I don’t know if that affected my performance or not. I’m gonna try to eat more energizing foods Monday before my run to see if that helps. Stretching after running has been helping me a lot, and I wish I would have after my crossfit on Thursday. I’m definitely paying for that now.
Oh well! Hoping to keep it together and keep hanging in there! Only 4 weeks of school left! Crunch time! What I NEED to do is keep getting exercise and eating healthy!! So glad I’ve been doing this a while so it’s not just a random, tough time to start.