Struggling

Well. Its Monday…. and I think I have a case of the Monday’s. I woke up feeling STARVING, which is because I went to Applebee’s for dinner last night at like 9:30pm. I overate there, so today I felt that weird, empty feeling in my stomach that I used to feel all the time for binging right before bed. It was awful. Not only did I eat too much yesterday, I felt like crap today and admitted to myself that I feel totally off the wagon. I decided to return a book at the library this morning because I woke up with nothing to do, and I was already feeling bingey. So, I took Yoli over to Chatham to return my book, and on the way home, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was totally obsessed with the idea of eating fast food. I mean COMPLETELY obsessed. I was going to deposit a check on my way home, but decided not to because the fast food places are over by the bank. I was proud of myself for passing it up, until I got to the corner right before my road… I saw Arby’s, and without any hesitation went straight into the parking lot. I even said out loud, “I am being so impulsive.” I ordered three things, chicken, curly fries, and mozz sticks, which comes out to about 1,300 calories. At noon, I had already consumed more calories than I should have for the ENTIRE day. I felt so defeated when I got home. I, of course, at the entire meal, and then laid down to take a nap because I felt so shitty (and guilty).

I realized later that I’ve lost a lot of my motivation. It’s like I hit 35lbs lost and just hit a wall. The last week I’ve been working sooo hard to just push thru and keep doing what I should be, but with like 3 cheat days then, and then already two since my last weigh-in, I’m really struggling. I realized that part of the problem is that I really don’t like the 10k plan. I dread going out running for more than 50 minutes, and I just don’t feel any sense of accomplishment afterwards. I decided to take a break from it. I’m either going to just do the trainer a little bit at a time while I fit in shorter runs during the week, or I will just disregard it completely. So, today on my lunch break, I set out for a nice 30 minute run. It was tough, because I ate GARBAGE for breakfast, but it was pretty cool because I used a new running app, My Run Keeper.

ImageIts pretty cool because its pretty accurate and it lets you know every five minutes how well you’re doing. It comes on with notifications that say how long you’ve been going, what your average mile speed is, and how far you’ve gone. It was very helpful today because I was trying to challenge myself to have negative splits for the whole run. Since every five minutes has a notification, you can tell pretty easily whether or not you’ve sped up.

ImageI did a three minute ‘warmup’ where I was walking, so my average pace is a bit high, since my speed for those minutes was like 20 mins per mile. The average at the end is a little high, but I think its about right, since I usually guess that’s how fast I’m going, judging by the supposed distance of the track. I’m not convinced I went as far as it says I did, but either way, its pretty cool to see the workout summary there at the end. Next time I’m not going to start it until I finish my warm-up walk so it is more accurate. I think I’m going to stop running on the track, too, since it will mostly keep track of my mileage. I’m gonna try to run up on the sidewalk of the road tomorrow. I think if I keep the distance of my run down to something like this Ill be able to do it all four days in a row at work. That may make me feel better during the week AND help me stay motivated, which I totally need.

I know I need to mix up my meals, too, because what I’ve been eating is not getting me excited anymore. I think I’ve said this alot lately, but its more true now than ever. I can’t live in the guilt that I’ve been feeling all day, so I need to look forward to the food that I plan. So, here is my embarrassing number from last week:

ImageI only lost 1.2 more pounds, which is part of the reason I’ve been feeling crappy. I’ve lost my motivation and then seeing a crappy number did not help at all. At least if I’d put up a good number, I may feel more motivated… although I may also just feel like I can eat whatever I want and still lose weight, which is soo not true. SO, I’m taking this as a learning experience. This week, I want to hit 40lbs lost. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but I think if I can, I’ll feel more rejuvenated. Maybe not, but either way, I want to have a goal. Its only two more pounds, which is a healthy goal. If I run every day, and stick to my eating plan, it should be doable.  Here’s hoping.

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