Monthly Archives: January 2016

Week 3 weigh-in

I forgot to take a picture this morning, but I weighed in at .4 lbs higher this week than last week. Considering I have been really slacking, that is not as big of a shocker as I was expecting. IMG_8621

I did successfully complete a run yesterday before I picked up Felix. I told myself I only had to go 20 minutes, and I actually ended up going 25, which is acceptable to me. About halfway through I got a side stitch that was pretty annoying, but overall, my legs felt good and my lungs weren’t too tight.
IMG_8622While I was running, I could tell that i was going slow, but I just didn’t care because I was glad I made it out of the house. The weird thing about running for me right now is that while I’m doing it, I really enjoy it. Yesterday for example, my timer said that I was at 10 minutes, my self-designated turn-around time, and I didn’t want to yet. I wanted to keep going until I got “just a little farther.” There were at least three separate times that I pushed myself to go to the next landmark just because I knew I could and I was feeling fine. Somehow, this knowledge of the good feeling I get from running still does not outweigh my dread. I know I’ll feel better, I know I enjoy it, I know I don’t feel like I’m going to die while I’m doing it, and yet I just DON’T WANT TO. The therapist inside me is yelling at me for my lack of insight in this matter. I said yesterday that I want to run today too, which I do… but I’m also feeling very tired and lazy and blahhh. A run would definitely help to wake me up, which I really need because I still need to clean the house for my mother-in-law’s visit this weekend. I just need to remember that running will make the whole weekend better, it will make my pregnancy feel better, and it will help me reach my goal of being in the 120’s, which I’d like to do SOMETIME in this pregnancy. My actions really need to start reflecting my thoughts. Clearly I need some CBT in my life. haaa

 

 

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Am I allowed to use the F-word?

Failure is the word I’m thinking of right now.

I have had a couple of opportunities to run this week and I just didn’t. This pregnancy is really screwing with my mind! The nausea and back pain does suck, but its more the mental part of it that is interfering with me. I re-read my post from Friday because I knew that I had some really good insight that day. I did run that night and I was proud of myself for sticking to my plan. Saturday my entire family came over and my brother and his girlfriend spent the night. We took the dogs for a walk (not running) so I did happen to get some fresh air and a tiny bit of exercise. Sunday I went to Clarion and we took the dogs for a LONNG walk up the hill at the river – round trip about 2.5 miles, part of which is a very steep hill.  I didn’t run, but I feel comfortable substituting that walk because it was definitely a workout hiking up the hill in the snow.

Since Sunday, though, nothing! I’m frustrated with myself. I keep feeling like a mega failure because I am really not taking care of myself. Most of my food decisions this week have been okay – not great – but acceptable… but still I binged one day and have been eating more sweets than normal. I feel like the nausea is exacerbated by health food…. ALL IN MY HEAD. I swear. Its these thoughts that are making things more difficult.

One thing I do know is that my patience and mood have not been where I want them to be. I need to get more exercise for my mental health, if not my physical health. Tonight I really need to run after work so that I can tolerate my tantrum-throwing toddler. And my mother-in-law who is coming up to stay for the weekend. The drama has already started there so I know a little exercise will help me clear my head and be more accepting of her passive aggressive statements and snarky remarks.

I fear that setting goals has not been working for me, so instead of setting “goals,” I’m making a plan. Tonight I will run for at least 20 minutes. Keeping the time low will make it feel like less of a pain in the butt. Tomorrow I will run for at least 20 minutes. This weekend I will not worry about running and will focus on keeping my face looking right when I’m told stuff I don’t want to hear.

 

 

 

 

 

A whole week of no motivation

Holy hell it has been a long week. And by that I mean I spent the entire week telling myself how important it is to eat healthy and run with absolutely NO follow through. I am avoiding the self-pity, woe-is-me post by just putting it all out there – I made some crappy excuses this week and didn’t put my health first. I binged a couple (MORE THAN ONE) days this week and allowed myself to use the nausea of the first trimester to be a perfect excuse to be lazy. I met NONE of my goals. I made no attempts at meeting my goals. The best thing I did for myself this week was run on Tuesday. I counted my calories yesterday and one other day this week, but I have just not been doing a good job logging in because I don’t want to see 100 unhealthy foods and a 3,000+ number on the daily calorie intake thing.

I also gained a pound this week by bingeing and not running when I should have. Seeing the scale this morning was a bit of a wake-up call, because I’ve been feeling bloated and puffier for the last several days, which I attributed to the nausea and pregnancy (as a defense mechanism) instead of recognizing that it was the shitty food and lack of exercise doing it.

So, I’m adjusting my goals for this next week to reflect things that I REEALLLLY need to do for my pregnancy. Now, more than ever, I need to work on finding new recipes that do not make me want to vomit (because most of the stuff I’ve been eating over the last 3 months is closing my throat just at the thought of it right now), and actually make them instead of “winging it” and winding up eating crap.

So – this week’s goals: attempt at least ONE new recipe – I saw something about avocado chicken burritos that looked good – and do not eat at a restaurant Monday-Friday. On weekends, Jared and I often go out for lunch or dinner at least once so I like to give myself the freedom to go then and make acceptable decisions. The alternative to this is hitting up fast food, ordering A BUNCH of stuff, and eating in the safety of my car, without anyone there to stop me or say, “Holy fuck, are you really able to consume that much food?”

Run at least 3 times between Saturday and Friday (the next weigh in day). If I run tonight, that will not count for next week because I still need another for this week!

Do some kind of abs/legs/crossfit thing at least one other day – this can even be a quick 15 minute workout or whatever, but my back is already bothering me so I NEED to get back on the ab train. I’m sooo not meeting my January goals with abs right now.

Sometimes I feel very alone in my desire to binge. I think that I am the only one who does it or am the only one who craves a pile of crappy food. I know that this can’t be true, but at the same time, I feel bad about myself when I give in to the temptation because I feel as though so many people in the world would like to do it and just don’t. For example, plenty of people would like to stop cooking forever, but they don’t because it just isn’t something that makes sense or is economically sensible. Bingeing would be very enjoyable for some, but they don’t do it because it’s bad for their health and leads to upset feelings afterwards. To be honest, sometimes I don’t even have upset feelings afterwards… I have feelings of relief, as if I FINALLY took care of the problem so now I can go back to living. Days later I feel bad, like today for example, because I gained weight this week and I know that eating a ton of Sheetz deep-fried food is terrible for me and my baby. Yet, after I ate it, I felt no remorse. I actually felt at ease again… I took care of the “icky” feeling, which was the craving in the first place. When I think about it clinically like that, it helps me to understand why I do it and what I can get out of it. I had a really good streak going – possibly more than 3 months – but I entertained the idea of crappy food because now that I’m pregnant, I’m just going to gain the weight back anyways.

Does that have to be true? NO. Is it healthy for me to gain that weight back while pregnant? NO. Do I want to get that fat? NO. Do I want to feel crappy? NO.

And yet, those little evil voices in my head encourage it. What I need is a good run, and some healthy, DELICIOUS food. For lunch I brought leftover taco meat. It was actually really delicious the first time, so hopefully it will be satisfying today as well. Running helps to curb my cravings because I know that a good run follows a healthy meal… and when I just plan it without allowing it to be negotiable, I stick to it much better. This is difficult with my current work schedule, however, it is not impossible. I just have to DO IT.

So here is my plan for the weekend: I will run AT LEAST TWICE between today and Sunday. I’m hoping that means tonight and tomorrow, so that Sunday I can do whatever the hell I please, but that is going to depend on whether or not we go to Clarion tomorrow or not. So, we shall see.

 

Week 2 weigh in

This week was a little crazy. I ran on Sunday and Tuesday but yesterday I took a nap instead. I’ve been so tired lately (I’ll get to why later). 

  
All in all, it was a good weigh in considering all of the workout switcheroos I had. I lost a total of 1.6 pounds which I’m confident would have been significantly better had I gone running yesterday as planned. But. I didn’t. 

Because when I got home from work yesterday…. I found out I am pregnant! Ahhhh! ☺️😜😳😭😬😍

That just about covers all of my emotions lol. Anyways, losing weight is not the priority again; however, because I’m still overweight, weight loss during pregnancy is not unhealthy. I’m gonna keep running and focus on healthy eating… As well as indulging sometimes because the nausea is killing me! I only want a few specific things so I need to continue to eat SOMETHING so I still have energy. This morning I had half a banana, half of a clementine, and a piece of turkey sausage. Not bad. Can you tell I’m at home with my son today? Lol

Improvising 

So I had a great long run on Sunday, but the problem is that it was actually Friday’s workout. So Sunday’s workout was pushed to today because I didn’t want to do a long run in the weather we had today. It was a winter weather advisory until… Well from yesterday until tomorrow so it’s been pretty wild. I did go out and run, but it had to be quick because I couldn’t take Felix in the “feels like -3 degree weather.” Soooo I couldn’t do today’s scheduled 50 minute easy run, so I did Sunday’s 30 minute tempo run. 

  
I actually only had time to do 25 minutes so I hustled to get in NEARLY two miles in. It would have been 2 miles if I didn’t have the stupid 5 minute warm up walk that I need lol. 

  
I needed to run today tho so I’m glad I got in as much as I did. Work is kinda killing me because the days are longer than I’m used to so I’m all tired and feeling blah… Meaning I need exercise! Thursday is my next scheduled day so I’m having Felix hang out with my parents while I run so that I can really make it a priority and have no excuses. Hope they don’t mind!

Long run 

Well. Yesterday I spent the day trying to convince myself to run with no success. Today, I felt guilty and made myself go before I could make too many excuses. I made a delicious brunch and took a nap… And then when Felix got up I hit the trail. 

  
It. Was. Unbelievable. I set out for a begrudging 45 minutes and about a mile into it, found myself running in pouring rain with crazy high winds in my face. 

  All I could do was laugh because it was so ridiculous. And putting me in that mindset gave me all kinds of inspiration.   

 
I went an extra 12 minutes because I really wanted to hit 4 miles. Once I did, I just couldn’t stop until I got home. It was like one small goal after another. This was a for sure running high like I haven’t experienced much. I need to remember the feeling for when I’m dreading a run.  

   

I was super happy with the splits too. I am trying to stay at an easy pace on long run days so I can exert myself more on interval or tempo days but when it’s good it’s so hard to reel myself back in. Maybe I’ll start saving for a Fitbit or garmin so I have an idea of my heart rate and adjust my speed accordingly. Maybe sometime this year. 

2016 weigh in #1

I’m going to start numbering my weigh ins so I can more easily recognize how many weeks I’ve been doing this… As well as how much weight I’ve lost this year. So my starting weight of the year was 238.2, and every weigh in from here will hopefully be positive!  

 
This week definitely was a great week! I’m so proud of myself and really excited to be in the mid 230’s. I found myself so proud, excited, and motivated today that I made the mistake of getting my hopes up to be in the 220’s in two more weeks. I made that mistake for the 230’s so I don’t want to get that far ahead, but it is nice to recognize that my hard work paid off this week!  

Looking at my entire weigh loss journey is also a good reminder. I prefer to look at just the most recent stuff but it is good to see it all as motivation and a reminder of the tough things I’ve overcome. Here’s to another week!

A great run!

I had another excellent run today and this time it actually recorded right! Yay!

Today was an interval run. Five sets of 3 minute intervals for a total of 30 minutes (plus a 5 minute warmup).   I ended up going over the time because I saw that I was so close to my third mile and didn’t want to quit!

      

 

 So I know that was a lot of screen shots but I wanted to show my pace for each intervals as well as the overall average. My slowest interval (and the only one above 12:00 mile) was when I was running through the grass in a field to cut part of the distance and avoid the icy part of the park route. 

Being in the 11’s for half of my run is awesome because one of my goals this year is to get down to the 10’s so 11’s makes that feel achievable. Also, this gave me a 100% legit starting point for my 5k pace since I’m just over 40 minutes for 3 miles (and part of that was warmup walking). I was afraid it would be closer to 45 minutes so I’m very excited!

Hopefully this year I will cut off TEN minutes of that pace. I assume speed comes as you are carrying less weight so I’m trying not to be hard on myself about my speed. But it is in the back of my mind. We shall see. For today, I’m excited to be over three miles for the second day this week, as well as excited to see sub-12:00 times for intervals. Small victories! Gratitude! Hazahh (it made sense at the time haha)  

Powerlessness 

I’ve been especially cranky lately. I’ve spent the last week trying to figure it out and I feel like I have a bunch of dead ends or possibilities. The other day I assumed that it was the food I ate over Christmas and gave it all my power. Today, I’m feeling like it might be the job transition, it’s still a power thing but in a different way.

Changes are hard on people. The hardest thing about switching jobs is having absolutely no control over anything. Like, I don’t even know what the fuck hours I’ll be working all week, and next week, and the week after…. I don’t have any control or even any idea what to expect. It’s so frustrating and somehow it carries over into my evening. 

Today for example, I left at 3 instead of four or five like I expected. It was good, cuz I could go run before I got Felix and it went really well except for my phone shutting off in the middle and not recording how far I went. But I calculated it and it was 3.4 miles in 50 minutes! This is my first 3+ and it didn’t fucking record… That’s my week. 😡

So even the stuff I feel I have control over I don’t. I want to eat dinner when I want but I can’t because Felix is whining. I want to run when I want but my job is unpredictable and the weather sucks. Grrrrrr. Okay rant over. 

The run went well despite my phone dying and I felt like I could have gone on forever, which is how I remember it being last year when I was running a lot. I had to talk myself into going because it was longer than usual and my thought process was “who wants to run for 50 minutes?” Haha. But it was awesome and slow and manageable and everything that an easy long run should be. 

 Here’s my favorite recent picture of Felix and I to remind me how cute he is even though I wanted to eat my dinner instead of doing what he wanted to do. He’s the boss. And I love him. 

2016 thoughts 

I wanted to write a post about goals for this year after I read a post from my favorite blog doing the same thing. So. Here we go. 

Goals: 

Run at least 25 miles per month – this would be equal to about 2 miles 3 times per week which should be doable since I’m already doing that much. 

End the year weighing less than I did when it started. This will require me to not relapse this year. My starting weight I’ll round to 238. I actually have another goal related to weight, but considering that I may get pregnant this year, I want to allow for the possibility that I’ll need to gain SOME weight for the pregnancy.  

Get my weight below 200lbs. Sometime this year it’s really important to me that I get below the 200s. I’d like to reach my goal weight, but my next huge milestone is 200s – it will put me back at the weight I was when I met Jared and is much closer to a healthy weight range than I’ve been in 5+ years. 

I think each of these goals is achievable and realistic. I still need to set some goals for January so I’ll set those now too. 

I want to start doing some abs 3 times a week. I found a cute little 5 minute ab thing that I’d like to start doing. I’ve been reading about how to tighten skin while losing weight because I’m worried I’ll lose weight and still feel crappy about myself because I’ll have all this gross skin left over. So, what I’ve read is that I need to do strength training to improve muscle integrity, which can help tighten skin and burn fat. So, I’m starting with abs this month to see if I’ll notice a change. I also need to start taking my waist measurements to see if there is a change there, so if the number on the scale doesn’t move as much as I’d like, maybe I’ll notice waist numbers changing instead. 

My other goal is to find at least two new things I like to eat this month. Last month I discovered shake n bake doesn’t have many calories but it’s full of flavor so I’ve been cooking chicken and pork with that. I’d like to keep looking and find something else desirable.