Holy hell it has been a long week. And by that I mean I spent the entire week telling myself how important it is to eat healthy and run with absolutely NO follow through. I am avoiding the self-pity, woe-is-me post by just putting it all out there – I made some crappy excuses this week and didn’t put my health first. I binged a couple (MORE THAN ONE) days this week and allowed myself to use the nausea of the first trimester to be a perfect excuse to be lazy. I met NONE of my goals. I made no attempts at meeting my goals. The best thing I did for myself this week was run on Tuesday. I counted my calories yesterday and one other day this week, but I have just not been doing a good job logging in because I don’t want to see 100 unhealthy foods and a 3,000+ number on the daily calorie intake thing.
I also gained a pound this week by bingeing and not running when I should have. Seeing the scale this morning was a bit of a wake-up call, because I’ve been feeling bloated and puffier for the last several days, which I attributed to the nausea and pregnancy (as a defense mechanism) instead of recognizing that it was the shitty food and lack of exercise doing it.
So, I’m adjusting my goals for this next week to reflect things that I REEALLLLY need to do for my pregnancy. Now, more than ever, I need to work on finding new recipes that do not make me want to vomit (because most of the stuff I’ve been eating over the last 3 months is closing my throat just at the thought of it right now), and actually make them instead of “winging it” and winding up eating crap.
So – this week’s goals: attempt at least ONE new recipe – I saw something about avocado chicken burritos that looked good – and do not eat at a restaurant Monday-Friday. On weekends, Jared and I often go out for lunch or dinner at least once so I like to give myself the freedom to go then and make acceptable decisions. The alternative to this is hitting up fast food, ordering A BUNCH of stuff, and eating in the safety of my car, without anyone there to stop me or say, “Holy fuck, are you really able to consume that much food?”
Run at least 3 times between Saturday and Friday (the next weigh in day). If I run tonight, that will not count for next week because I still need another for this week!
Do some kind of abs/legs/crossfit thing at least one other day – this can even be a quick 15 minute workout or whatever, but my back is already bothering me so I NEED to get back on the ab train. I’m sooo not meeting my January goals with abs right now.
Sometimes I feel very alone in my desire to binge. I think that I am the only one who does it or am the only one who craves a pile of crappy food. I know that this can’t be true, but at the same time, I feel bad about myself when I give in to the temptation because I feel as though so many people in the world would like to do it and just don’t. For example, plenty of people would like to stop cooking forever, but they don’t because it just isn’t something that makes sense or is economically sensible. Bingeing would be very enjoyable for some, but they don’t do it because it’s bad for their health and leads to upset feelings afterwards. To be honest, sometimes I don’t even have upset feelings afterwards… I have feelings of relief, as if I FINALLY took care of the problem so now I can go back to living. Days later I feel bad, like today for example, because I gained weight this week and I know that eating a ton of Sheetz deep-fried food is terrible for me and my baby. Yet, after I ate it, I felt no remorse. I actually felt at ease again… I took care of the “icky” feeling, which was the craving in the first place. When I think about it clinically like that, it helps me to understand why I do it and what I can get out of it. I had a really good streak going – possibly more than 3 months – but I entertained the idea of crappy food because now that I’m pregnant, I’m just going to gain the weight back anyways.
Does that have to be true? NO. Is it healthy for me to gain that weight back while pregnant? NO. Do I want to get that fat? NO. Do I want to feel crappy? NO.
And yet, those little evil voices in my head encourage it. What I need is a good run, and some healthy, DELICIOUS food. For lunch I brought leftover taco meat. It was actually really delicious the first time, so hopefully it will be satisfying today as well. Running helps to curb my cravings because I know that a good run follows a healthy meal… and when I just plan it without allowing it to be negotiable, I stick to it much better. This is difficult with my current work schedule, however, it is not impossible. I just have to DO IT.
So here is my plan for the weekend: I will run AT LEAST TWICE between today and Sunday. I’m hoping that means tonight and tomorrow, so that Sunday I can do whatever the hell I please, but that is going to depend on whether or not we go to Clarion tomorrow or not. So, we shall see.