Am I allowed to use the F-word?

Failure is the word I’m thinking of right now.

I have had a couple of opportunities to run this week and I just didn’t. This pregnancy is really screwing with my mind! The nausea and back pain does suck, but its more the mental part of it that is interfering with me. I re-read my post from Friday because I knew that I had some really good insight that day. I did run that night and I was proud of myself for sticking to my plan. Saturday my entire family came over and my brother and his girlfriend spent the night. We took the dogs for a walk (not running) so I did happen to get some fresh air and a tiny bit of exercise. Sunday I went to Clarion and we took the dogs for a LONNG walk up the hill at the river – round trip about 2.5 miles, part of which is a very steep hill.  I didn’t run, but I feel comfortable substituting that walk because it was definitely a workout hiking up the hill in the snow.

Since Sunday, though, nothing! I’m frustrated with myself. I keep feeling like a mega failure because I am really not taking care of myself. Most of my food decisions this week have been okay – not great – but acceptable… but still I binged one day and have been eating more sweets than normal. I feel like the nausea is exacerbated by health food…. ALL IN MY HEAD. I swear. Its these thoughts that are making things more difficult.

One thing I do know is that my patience and mood have not been where I want them to be. I need to get more exercise for my mental health, if not my physical health. Tonight I really need to run after work so that I can tolerate my tantrum-throwing toddler. And my mother-in-law who is coming up to stay for the weekend. The drama has already started there so I know a little exercise will help me clear my head and be more accepting of her passive aggressive statements and snarky remarks.

I fear that setting goals has not been working for me, so instead of setting “goals,” I’m making a plan. Tonight I will run for at least 20 minutes. Keeping the time low will make it feel like less of a pain in the butt. Tomorrow I will run for at least 20 minutes. This weekend I will not worry about running and will focus on keeping my face looking right when I’m told stuff I don’t want to hear.







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