Negative self talk

I made a crappy decision this morning to creep on the 2017 results of the half marathon I’m about to do next week. When I’m racing, I feel really good and proud of what I’m doing, but when I look at the results and I’m last out of a lot of people, it kinda eats at me. Like, I know I’m not fast and I’m not even a middle of the pack runner, but I don’t see my speed improving much and I’ll NEVER be as fast as these other people (sub-2:00 half? HA) so some of my self talk right now is just telling me “WHY BOTHER?”

Part of the reason I do this is that I reeeally don’t want to get last place. I know that’ll totally kill my mojo and I don’t want to see that happen. So if it’s a tiny race and there aren’t any other poky people, it’s usually not the race for me. However, this one is fairly big so there are some that’ll PROBABLY finish after me.

I recognize this is not helpful thinking and I want to cut it out… but it’s there in the back of my mind. Today I’m running 10 miles and actually looking forward to it, so I need to remember that feeling when I’m thinking about the negative stuff.

Perfect reframe: I may be slow, but 2 years ago I almost quit when couch to 5k had me running 3 minutes at a time… now I’m talking about 2 hours and looking forward to it! I’m slow, but I’m strong.

If I dropped these other 40 lbs I’m carrying around I’d prob be a bit faster…

This week I’m down 1.2 more so I’m on my way! It’d be cool to lose 40 more but I’m thinking losing 20 more would put me at my college weight and I think I was pretty confident then so I’d take it as a stepping stone. Even just under 200 would be a mega milestone. But I’m not rushing it and I’m doing it the way I should so the weight stays off… little by little.

I’m such a math person it’s embarrassing (because I went into a career avoiding math) but I’m constantly thinking about “if I do such-and-such for ‘this’ amount of time then THAT will happen…” This goes for while I’m running, how long until I lose a certain amount of weight, etc. It gives me goals and things to think about while I’m trying to get shit done.

I know this has been an odd rambling post but I just have a lot in this big head of mine lol

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