Anyways, longish run planned tomorrow. Shooting for 6 miles and will go from there. That’ll make me feel like I’m still me and not totally lost in the old cycles that were me in the past.
Okay so about 1.5 weeks before vacation I fell way off the wagon and went bananas. I had a hard time with the neighbors death after also just eating crap for no reason. BUT.
I’m staying alive. I spent 5 days in southern San Diego with my fam and my fam’s fam. I ate whatever I wanted, swam in the ocean, and even got a 3 mile run in with my brother.
I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and have a better idea of the damage, but I’m assuming 7-10lbs, some of which is water weight.
It’s been hard getting back on the wagon because I’m having a ton of cravings. It’s just an unfortunate realization that I don’t think I’ll ever just be able to “eat like normal people.” I have such a hard time with intuitive eating and being all or nothing. If I’m not eating healthy, I’m eating alllllllllll the food. No moderation.
It is like AA. 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough. It’s just so much more complicated with food because you can’t NOT eat. You can just live without alcohol but you can’t live without food. Ugh.
I’m working on acceptance but it’s hard. For right now it’s just getting over the hump of severe cravings and desires to binge.
My neighbor’s 18-year-old son died last night in a car accident. I’m in shock and extremely sad. Although he and I aren’t close, it brings up all kinds of counter transference; I don’t want to lose my kids young, I work with teens every day, and I can’t bear to see his mom and grandma hurting because I can picture my mom hurting so badly.
I binged again today. I actually put on running clothes but couldn’t run. I instead ate. I just am numb and in shock. I know running is the right way of coping but I couldn’t today.
Today I feel for them and for all the parents who lost their babies young – even at 18.
The feeling started yesterday, but I did an okay job combatting it by eating food that really sounded good, but only a limited amount. Today, I had a breakfast that was an afterthought because we didn’t grocery shop during our busy weekend… and it was downhill from there.
I also was trying to cut back on diet soda because the world all agrees that it is poison… but it’s zero calories and satisfying, and I think that played a role.
The odd thing, is that I had hours to think about it and interrupt it, and the conclusion I repeatedly came to was “yeahhh but I really just wanna eat some shitty food.” I hope it was a temporary thing and not an indicator of something more. I did feel myself getting this way before going to Vegas earlier this year as well, which may be my mind telling me that I’m gonna eat whatever I want next week anyways, why not start now. Or it could be something else.
I’m too tired to think about it now, I just am aware that I really don’t feel guilty. I don’t know if that should be scary or a relief because it’s an indicator that I shall go on, but it’s all the insight I have for now.
Someoneeee hit a milestone this weekend!! This girl 😎 A sub-30 5k for the first time in my life!!!
Jared and I did the Lake Erie Duathlon this weekend, where I ran 5k, he biked 20k, and I ran another 5k. It was my birthday gift — how cool is it that my birthday gift was health oriented and I was happy?! Pretty badass. And my PR was on the second leg lol. I just kept telling myself that by the end of the race, my tank should be empty, and so I had maintained a 9:30 pace until the last half mile and then I really went all out. Some guy even tried to pass me and I beat him! Booo yaaa 🤣
It looks like I won’t be in onederland before we go to California, but I still feel really good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. That’s an acceptable number knowing that I am still consistently working out and making myself proud.
Now if only I had done some abs in the last 2 weeks 😂. #progressnotperfection