It’s been a bad bad bad day. It started off normal for this week – rushing to get ready in the morning and dropping the kids in daycare 2. Baby does great. Toddler is struggling.
He let me leave with no complaining today but I got a call an hour later that he was going to the ER from a seizure. Actually, I was in a meeting without my phone so the secretary paged for me to pick up, so everyone knew something was up. I didn’t go back to the meeting so I then got a million questions later.
The ER thing was unnecessary and Felix was fine, but he was overtired and scared. After about a half hour they released us so I took him back to the center to see if he’d be okay to eat lunch and finish the day. He seemed okay, so I left. Twenty minutes after getting back to work I got a text that the same thing had happened again (he passed out) and so I went and got the boys and spend the afternoon at home with them trying to fix my schedule and call to cancel and reschedule appointments.
A couple things: I felt like the worst mom ever after letting him go back to daycare, you know, like I was saying that my clients were more important than him. I’ve seen him do the passing out thing a million times tho, so I thought he’d be fine. I felt exponentially worse when it happened again, as if it were verified that I’m a horrible mother. So, I was in a horrible mood at home and the evening went badly too because of the stress. He didn’t pass out again, but he was fussy and I was short with him a couple times.
So here I am. Feeling like a terrible mom. Dreading doing it all over tomorrow. Fearing that everything I believe in (working hard, feminism, blah blah blah) is actually not what’s best for my kids. I’m stressed and wavering. Working opposite shifts as my husband also means I haven’t had any reassurance or support. I will need that in the coming days. For tonight I just need some rest.