Long game

So I spent the last 3ish weeks purely documenting my food habits. I’ve been listening to Half Size me for a while and she always talks about focusing on just maintaining where you’re at to figure out what your habits are prior to making any real changes. Although I have made some changes in the last two weeks, I’ve been shooting for 2,100 calories per day. I’ve definitely gone over that on more than one occasion, especially a few days of long-session drinking; however, it looks like if I want to actually lose weight, I’m going to have to drop the number of calories I consume. I have successfully maintained my weight(ish), so I’m going to try to lower my target to no more than 1,800 per day and see how that goes.

One of the other things I’m recognizing is that the emotional baggage that I’ve been carrying for quite some time (prob since my teenage years) really needs to be addressed. After talking to a close friend a few times on some loooooong hikes, I’m realizing I need to stop apologizing things that aren’t my fault, I need to stop feeling like I owe anyone an explanation for my choices, and I need to stop taking on other peoples’ shit. I’m improving my communication of my feelings at home and I’m also talking to myself when I identify that my thoughts are not helping me. So far it has really made me feel better in general and has helped avoid any new resentments or holding on to shit that doesn’t matter. I actually said to Jared yesterday that I am done taking on other people’s emotions, because I literally carry them on my body in the form of fat because of emotional eating. That was a big thing to say out loud and I need to continue my emotional recovery because I do think it will help me hit my longer term goal, which is to get under 200 lbs. For right now, I just want to work I’m getting under 220 (today I weighed in at 226.4).

Here I am this weekend at Cedar Point with some girlfriends. It was a great trip but I’m not happy with how I look in the picture (I’ve always hated my arms) and so it’s a reminder to keep moving forward.

Mindset

I weighed in today at 226.4, which is 0.2lbs more than last week. I have hit my step goal every day this week, but I didn’t get a tremendous amount of exercise this weekend and I didn’t really monitor my calorie intake on the weekend days.

I’ve consumed an average of 2000 calories each day this week, so that must be my maintenance calories.

I decided this morning that I’m not going to let the scale derail me this week. Just because it didn’t do what I wanted it to doesn’t mean I didn’t do a good job. I ate veggies every day and I got my steps in. I ran/walked 2.6 miles Tuesday and ran 3.6 miles straight Wednesday evening. I’m going for a 7 mile hike tomorrow. I’m doing all the right things. I need to trust the process and give myself credit without depending on the scale’s feedback.

No more goals of “I want to be X weight by Y date.” That isn’t working for me. I need to let it be long term. I do still want to work down to under 200lbs but it’s okay if I’m not losing 2+ lbs per week. As long as I’m not creeping up, I’m doing the right things.

One other thing I’m adding in is the 5×5 lifting program. I need to build some strength to prepare for the tough mudder in September!

Self hatred

I go through every day presenting a confident, know-it-all… not always on purpose or with malicious intent but that is me. I hide the pain and present the picture that I want others to believe.

Today I had a meltdown because I let the thoughts in about myself and my place in the world. The ones that say I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m weak, and I’m nothing. The thoughts that say that I’m an idiot for how I handle xxxxxx.

Those thoughts aren’t true but they’re there. I ran 4.5 miles to get them to quiet down but they’re still here. When will they go?

Crawling out of my skin

Ever have one of those days where you just feel like you want to claw your own eyes out? Like every single thing around you is irritating? Today, I had one of those days but the things around me were literally irritating… my allergies!

The last two days my seasonal allergies are here in full swing, and it happened to be in the low 40’s last night so we actually turned the heat on. I don’t know if it’s just blowing dust all over the house or if it’s the fall allergies or what but I was just POURING snot from my nose, my eyes were watering, and my whole face was itchy. I decided to do some cleaning to keep busy and I thought it might help with the dust level in the house… which should decrease my allergies. But damn. It was worse the whole time I was cleaning, and then my vacuum was screwed up and I started taking it apart but it doesn’t come the whole way apart and then I had a category 5 meltdown. Like the size of hurricane Irma. I must have yelled the F word 75 times in about 5 minutes. It was allllll bad.

So I went outside and laid on the cold porch floor to literally cool off. The fresh air helped some too I think. I went back inside…. and sobbed on my 3 year olds lap for 5 minutes while he comforted me and told me he’s here for me and I should take some deep breaths. Obviously, he’s wise beyond his years.

Anyways, I realize life isn’t all pretty rainbows and stuff, but it was a tough morning. I don’t think I realized just how much the allergies caused me sensory irritation which led to absolute overload. I think I experienced a piece of what someone with sensory problems and/or Autism may experience on a daily basis. How terrifying and infuriating that must be for them. Quite a lesson in empathy!

In other news, I did my 3 mile “long” run, which was actually fairly hard. It may have been the energy wasted in my meltdown or just my adjusting to lower calories, or something else. No matter what, it’s done, and I’m glad.

Friends are coming over tonight so I’m sure there will be a fair amount of booze and food. So far I’ve only eaten 450 calories but I’m going to need something else before we grab dinner with them. Stayed under 2,000 calories again yesterday, even including Mexican for dinner! Feels good to be moving a direction besides backwards right now.

Check out this tasty breakfast- fajita meat on English muffin covered in cheese. Only 220 calories!

Weigh in Friday

Today was a small victory and something I hope is a sign of better things ahead.

Last Friday I was at 222! Of course, some of that was probably just water weight from eating crap, but I’ll definitely take it. I’ve been under 2,000 calories the last several days, even though I haven’t been consistent with under 1,800. If 2,000 is where I need to be with my activity level and I can still lose weight, that’s great! I think I’m going to have to toy with it some but tracking is definitely helping keep me mindful and the mindfulness piece is a very important one.

I’m also noticing an improvement in my energy level. Nothing dramatic, but feeling a bit more present when I’m doing things or talking to people which I attribute to a decrease in lethargy.

Tomorrow is “long run” day. I’m thinking 3-4 miles 😂 I know that’s not long but I just want to take things slow and I fear if I train too much I get too hungry and make food choices that don’t help me reach my goals. So short runs are good. I may also pump up the speed work to see if I can PR my 5k on thanksgiving.

Helllooo, anybody there?

Ha, that’s what my blog is saying to me these days. I got a notification that I haven’t posted in a while. I’m afraid to look at just howwww long ago it was, so I shall not be doing that today.

Anyways, I spent the summer training for a triathlon, which I completed at the end of August. It was awesome!

However, I found the complicated training to be a bit too much for me and it really took the fun out of staying in shape. It made it a job and I started resenting it a bit. I also developed some pain in my right Achilles sometime this summer and I’ve been trying to nurse that back to health without totally losing all my fitness.

I finally got myself fitted for a pair of running shoes that seem to be helping. I decided if I’m going to be a runner, I need to take care of myself. It seems when I up my mileage and don’t train consistently, it hurts my body. Who woulda thunk? Ha! But really, I’m finding that I can run 6 miles, but if it’s only the 4th time I’ve run in 2 weeks, I really shouldn’t.

I did a 10k on September 29th with limited consistency in training, and while I finished with a similar time as last year, I was really sore for a couple of days. I don’t want to be injured. So, I decided to build myself up again slowly. I ran 1.25 miles Sunday (was planning 3 but cut short) and yesterday I ran 2.5. I’m not focusing on speed as much as just listening to my body and getting into the habit of 3-4 days per week again. No “long run” if I don’t feel like it, just consistent exercise.

I also have had some struggle with the scale. I am at 221.6 lbs. I really would like to be 15 or more pounds less than I am now… and ideally more like 190 or less. I’m having some trouble with food obsession so I’ve decided to do what worked for me after I had Sebastian. I am tracking every food I consume for 2 weeks. I’m not going to restrict myself necessarily, I’m just going to write down everything I eat. When I did it before I ended up improving motivation and control over my food craze, so I’m hoping for the same now. I just need to get more consistent and I will feel better I’m sure.

So, here I am. Still trying to be healthy, still human. I swear I’d like to post more often for more accountability, but I’m taking things one thing at a time. Just for this week, run at least 3 easy runs, and track alllllll food. Ready, go!

New job, new perspective

I started a new job at an insurance company that so far I think I am going to really like and be pretty good at. However, I am now surrounded by powerful, attractive, extremely well-dressed professional women and I’m feeling very inferior.

There, I said it.

I think inferior is the feeling I’m experiencing that is triggering my bingeing. I can’t afford new clothes. I’m not skinny or sexy (but I’m skinnier than I was!). I don’t know how to dress my body in professional attire and feel cute. At my old job I wore more casual clothes. Not jeans, but sweaters, leggings as pants, tall boots, etc.

At this new place, EVERYONE wears heels. They all look like dynamite every day. Like they could have blogs with #ootd every day and I’d be following them and constantly amazed. For me…. I just feel like an out of place, grumpy slob. My clothes don’t fit that well because I had many of them from 70lbs Ago and so they look loose and messy.

Not feeling good about the way I look always triggers me. It’s almost hilarious. It’s so self destructive. My thought process is “I look gross in these clothes and they make me look bigger than I am. Now I want to eat all the food in the world” … and then be bigger than I am.

So backwards.

I now have identified the emotion. I just need to figure out what to do with it besides eat it!!

A pic of me and hubby last night. I feel like I look cute! Didn’t binge, even tho we were out without kids at bars with great food. I can do this. I need to feel good about how I look.

Survival

Today I was very busy at work. The nagging hunger that isn’t actually hunger was there but I was able to manage it with some popcorn and an assssssload of work! It’s been a pattern at this job so far that Mon-Weds are boring and by Friday I’m swamped. Why can’t there be balance?

The short answer is probably that nothing has balance anywhere in life and I need to get used to it. It’s just tough to be so bored I could sleep at work one day (also triggering munchies) to days later where I have so much to do I leave a little late.

I’m proud of myself for getting back on track with my eating today, even when I stopped on the way home to grab dinner. I was going to get twice as much food as I got and instead limited myself to one sandwich. Yay!

Binge eating is a real thing that needs real attention.

In other news, my step goal streak continues – 1 month, 5 days. Awe yeah! Thank goodness for afternoon walks to the park!

Accountability

I binged after work today. It was totally about being bored and useless and under stimulated. Taking this new job is full of promise of being so overwhelmed and busy… but instead I’m just waaaaiting for the next thing to happen and trying to casually beg my boss to give me more to do.

I’m also on my period. I think that plays a tiny role, but I didn’t recognize it until later when I recognized my sugar cravings.

I’m going to the gym tomorrow and I cooked for tomorrow at work so I’ll be back on track and be forced to not let the binge continue.

Ugh.

Sometimes I really hate that this is my life.

Oversharing

The name of my blog is inspiration by introspection, and I feel like I haven’t done enough introspecting since I had my babies. I’ve done a good job of focusing on them and their needs, as well as my basic needs (improved diet, exercise, fulfilling job, etc) but I had a little breakthrough this last week and it felt good to have some self awareness.

I was listening to this podcast about binge eating and it hit home for me. The girl had become an amazing athlete and lost a bunch of weight, and had this binging episode four years later that seemed to come on by nothing.

Except that she had insight. She knew it was coming on and saw the indicators that triggered it.

I had this weird epiphany. Remember how I was talking about my story recently and how I hadn’t had some big event that led to weight gain? Well. I was wrong.

I attempted suicide when I was sixteen (about two weeks before turning seventeen). I was depressed and had been thinking about it for months, maybe even a whole year. In that time I was prom queen, well-known athlete, and all-around likable girl. But I didn’t have that much security. Because I was a chameleon, I wasn’t popular, but the popular people liked me. I was a jock, but that wasn’t a separate thing at our school. I had close friends who were emo, but I wasn’t, so even they kept me at somewhat of a distance.

I felt isolated even though I was surrounded. I attempted suicide and thankfully survived. About a month after getting out of the hospital, I had my first remembered binging experience. I don’t know if that’s fair to say because I had snuck a box of cheese it’s here or there, when I was up late at night and had the munchies, so maybe this had been a long time coming, but the thing that I remember so clearly is getting several bags of a variety of Hershey’s kisses (dark chocolate, caramel, almond, etc) to give my mom for her birthday… but I ate alllllll of them before her birthday arrived. I sat at my computer on AIM (haha I’m old) and ate them ALL. I don’t even like dark chocolate. I hate almonds. I ate them all.

Then I hid it.

Then I bought her more for her actual birthday since I’d devoured the original gift… and I ate half of those too. That’s the first time I remember binging, hiding it, and feeling shameful about it.

Not long after that, I got my first car, which gave me an opportunity to binge alone with no witnesses, which began my fast food addiction.

Although I only gained 10-20 lbs my senior year and 20 more my freshman year in college, I was bingeing. And it was a fucking problem.

I haven’t talked about that stuff with anyone. But the suicide attempt leading up to the binging really hit me recently. I think I managed the depression with food after that, which was totally not successful, and led to further depression, horrible self image, and a lack of confidence.

I’m building my confidence now, which is helped by the half marathons and consistent running… but it’s a struggle. I feel fat in my new workplace as I’m surrounded by super fit, well dressed corporate women; making me feel like a fat chump in Walmart clothes. I’m working on that though — I want to feel confident and attractive in what I wear, even if I’m stuck at 210 lbs for the rest of my life. If this is my body and it can do great things, I want to feel pretty in it.

So I’m working at that.

I hit the gym again today and did arms. I benched 60lbs when last week I only did 45. Seeing improvements is inspiriting and I’m hoping to feel like my upper body is improving as I continue.

For now, I’m enjoying the relief that comes from what seems to be a breakthrough about being honest with myself in my mental health history.

Recovery is a process.

Today I can appreciate my ability to comfortably cross my legs and enjoy how I feel my legs look!