Tired Tuesday

Tuesdays have been the hardest day of the week for me since August. After getting out of work at 3am on Mondays, I have to be up for my internship at 7am. After 3ish hours of sleep, I then intern all morning, come home for lunch, go to work for a few hours, leave work to go to class for two hours, and then head back to work until 4am. Its a 21 hour day on 3ish hours of sleep. Somehow, I’ve been making it thru without feeling like I’m going to die, but I’m DEFINITELY looking forward to spring break and graduation!

Even though Mondays are long days too (I get up at 7am and get off work at 3am), this week I felt motivated enough to go running on my lunch break from work! I finished C25K Week 1/Day 2, and even felt like I could have gone for another interval or two! I was extra surprised, too, because it was like 25 degrees outside and I have had trouble with asthma in cold weather in the past.

Its amazing that no matter what temperature it is when I’m working out, my face turns nice and rosy pretty quickly.

I mostly wanted to post that picture because I really haven’t taken a ‘before’ picture. As of today, I’m 14 days clean and still feeling hopeful, BUT I fear that if I take one more ‘before’ picture in my lifetime, I’ll get caught in a negative thought cycle because of my history of failure. I know it’s silly to think that way because in the past I haven’t REALLY tried to count calories, but I really just don’t want to give myself any more reason to doubt my abilities. So, I can look at that picture as a reference in the future if I need to, as well as be proud of myself for running!

As I near the end of a loooong Tuesday, I’m feeling good! Thank goodness I’ve been eating healthier because the extra energy has been really helpful for these long days. Today I’m thankful that I can afford to maintain the new me, and I’m very thankful that my husband is so supportive and wonderful (and handsome 😉 )

NYC for a sec.

Today we spontaneously decided to head to NYC using Jared’s flight benefits. We get to fly for next to nothing and we wanted to do something fun for our anniversary that really speaks to who we are as a couple. We did end up going out with a few friends last night, but I was a good girl and only had like 5 beers over the whole night, so I didn’t ‘fall off the wagon’ like I feared that I might. Today, though, because we were in NYC, I did indulge somewhat and have fajitas for lunch. I only ate two small ones before I was completely FULL so I decided to stop there. We also had nachos with grated cheddar on them, so I probably reached close to my limit, but I made good drink and snack choices for the day so although I don’t know exactly how many calories for the day, I feel pretty good about it. We also did a lot of walking around (it is NYC after all) so even if I was up there, I feel that it was somewhat justifiable.

Back to how I was feeling yesterday. I have had quite a bit of time to reflect on what was going through my head yesterday and I’m glad that I’ve been able to slow down and think some things thru. First of all, I went jogging/walking on my lunch break (I’ve decided to start the C25K work outs) because I had the brilliant idea that if I did, some exercise would help balance out whatever happened that night. As it turned out, I exercised AND I didn’t go over my calories for the day, so all was good! I haven’t been thinking about exercising too much lately cuz its been cold and snowy but since it warmed up this weekend, I was able to get some in. Yay!

So, after somewhat freaking out over what could have been a very scary weekend ending in relapse, I feel happy to say that I am down 7 lbs from my start weight and still feeling motivated! I came home from NYC today and cooked some meals for the week, as well as made my menu. Something about eating healthy and not binging has changed my energy level significantly! I don’t feel overly incredible or anything, but I’ve noticed that when I would normally come home  and crash right away, there have been several evenings that I felt good enough to get some things done. This is something I need to remember if I ‘fall off the wagon’ and start eating all of that crappy fast food again. I just didn’t have the energy for anything… Jeesh.

I only got a few pics today but I’ll post them tomorrow when I have more time. I just wanted to check in and say that I’m feeling good about how the weekend went, and I’m looking forward to another week to see what the scale has in store for me! I don’t think I’ve EVER said that…. nor have I ever lost 7 lbs healthily. Go ME.

Happy anniversary to me!

Today is my one-year anniversary! Although this is obviously not weight-related, it is an important point in my life. Being a Psychology student has taught me quite a bit about relationships, one of the scariest being that somewhere between 50-70% of divorces happen within the first year. That is a pretty high percentage. SO, for someone like me, this is a nice little milestone that helps me feel a little relieved. This feeling is pretty silly, though, because we haven’t had nearly as much trouble as the “normal” couple. We get along really well. We had some explosive fights in our first few years of on-and-off dating, but one day, it just stopped. I grew up a bit and made the conscious decision that life WITH Jared is MUCH better than life WITHOUT him.

Here we are in Puerto Rico about two months ago.  To tie this in to my blog, this is at my highest weight. Looking at the picture makes me remember how great my life is. A lot of bloggers I have followed in the past talk about how unhappy they were when they were FAT, and to be honest, I’m fat and happy! I want to be healthier, but my life does not make me unhappy. I have a great husband, two wonderful dogs, a whole family who loves me, another whole family (Jared’s) who also love me, a great job, a chance to work in a field in which I’m passionate… shall I go on?

Anyways, about my anniversary. Today is my 11th day eating healthy. I’m quickly realizing that there will be times in the next year of my life change in which I’m going to have to go over my calorie count because it is a celebration day. Unfortunately, I am struggling to figure out what constitutes a special day. A one-year anniversary seems appropriate, but if I were to pick every holiday or celebration, I’d have a cheat day at least twice a month. Is that really what I want? My biggest fear is that if I engage in these cheat days, will I be able to get back “on the wagon” or will I be off for good? In the past, when I’ve passively tried losing weight, any time I had a cheat day, that was the end. I wouldn’t make it more than a week on a diet because A) I was passively trying and B) I couldn’t get back ‘on the wagon’ after I fell off. As I try to learn from my past, I’m stuck in this weird, stupid situation where I try to find confidence that I’ll be able to recover tomorrow, or else feel no confidence and just not celebrate involving food. Now that I type it out, it probably makes more sense that I not celebrate using food, but its not just food that has calories… its alcohol too! And that’s what I really want to celebrate with. If I have 8-10 beers tonight, though, that is 800-1,000 calories (or more), which means I basically have to survive the day by starving myself. It seems like I’m either going to have to go over my calories a little, or else I’m going to have to lay off the beers tonight. I guess a third option is to switch to a drink that doesn’t have calories. I don’t know. We shall see! I’ll have to check in with my decision next time. Who knew an anniversary could be full of so many questions….

Good things come to those who…?

I was talking to some clients today and we got on the topic of gratitude. Now, everyone seems to think something different about the topic of gratitude, and to whom we should be thankful. When I think about what I’m thankful for, it often cycles back to positive changes I’d like to make in myself so that I can be the best me. SO, after five days of counting calories, which is the longest I’ve ever been successful, I feel like I’ve got a clearer mind and cleaner system than I have in a while. I feel thankful that I’m able to afford foods that are healthy, and I’m thankful that i have a husband who will love and support me no matter what size I am, as long as I’m happy

I saw this picture today and it made me think about how I encourage my clients to make personal changes so that they can begin to think about the world in a more positive way. Its easy to think of making changes as a daunting task, so I’ve been practicing using “one day at a time” as my mantra. When I feel like I want to binge or stop at some fast food restaurant, I try to remember that all I have to do is make it till bed time and then it will get easier. As long as I believe this is true, I’ll be okay.

 

I’ve been working on a plan for my weight loss. I created a menu with specific things I will eat each day and a calorie count that goes with them. I’ve been shooting for 1,500-1,800 calories per day, which I’ve heard is both too many and too few. I’m trying to gain an understanding of what my body wants, so if I feel like I’m not getting enough, I’ll step it up, but for the last five days, I’ve felt as though I just want to eat, not that I’m actually hungry. I’m taking a mindfulness class right now that is helping me get in touch with how I’m really feeling in the moment, and allowing my thoughts to be present without judging them or acting on them. In regular people words, I’m trying to understand my impulses so that I can diffuse the situation and figure out what is really going on. Sometimes I genuinely am hungry. Other times, I just feel like getting that SUPER FULL feeling that I love, which then puts me into a sluggish funk for the rest of the day. So far this week, I haven’t had too much trouble, but I haven’t incorporated any exercise into my routine yet. I’m thinking I’ll slowly add walking and some ab/weight exercises at home, because I don’t want to get too hard core at first when I’m not sure I can handle so much change. Just planning meals for a whole week when I have 18 hours a day scheduled is hard to do. Having a busy schedule has been a really common excuse for me for such a long time that I’m trying to get it out of my head. Here’s to hoping!

New therapy dog!

Ava and I passed the TDI to get one step closer to becoming a Certified Therapy Dog team!