STRESS doesn’t have to equal stress eating

It’s been a bad bad bad day. It started off normal for this week – rushing to get ready in the morning and dropping the kids in daycare 2. Baby does great. Toddler is struggling. 

He let me leave with no complaining today but I got a call an hour later that he was going to the ER from a seizure. Actually, I was in a meeting without my phone so the secretary paged for me to pick up, so everyone knew something was up. I didn’t go back to the meeting so I then got a million questions later. 

The ER thing was unnecessary and Felix was fine, but he was overtired and scared. After about a half hour they released us so I took him back to the center to see if he’d be okay to eat lunch and finish the day. He seemed okay, so I left. Twenty minutes after getting back to work I got a text that the same thing had happened again (he passed out) and so I went and got the boys and spend the afternoon at home with them trying to fix my schedule and call to cancel and reschedule appointments. 

A couple things: I felt like the worst mom ever after letting him go back to daycare, you know, like I was saying that my clients were more important than him. I’ve seen him do the passing out thing a million times tho, so I thought he’d be fine. I felt exponentially worse when it happened again, as if it were verified that I’m a horrible mother. So, I was in a horrible mood at home and the evening went badly too because of the stress. He didn’t pass out again, but he was fussy and I was short with him a couple times. 

So here I am. Feeling like a terrible mom. Dreading doing it all over tomorrow. Fearing that everything I believe in (working hard, feminism, blah blah blah) is actually not what’s best for my kids. I’m stressed and wavering. Working opposite shifts as my husband also means I haven’t had any reassurance or support. I will need that in the coming days. For tonight I just need some rest. 

Only one good thing: eating was acceptable today despite the strong desire to binge. Small victory that I may celebrate when I don’t feel like such a shitty mom. 

Going back to work is exhausting.

You heard it here first. 

My first two days back went very smoothly. I acquired some new clients, I caught up with some old clients, and I went to the gym both days. Boom! Cue total body exhaustion at 8pm haha. 

So, yesterday was the C25K day that required me to run 20 minutes. That isn’t that long unless you’re on a treadmill. Haha. 

This is what a slooow jog looks like haha. Im not even mad cuz I got it done and didn’t walk like I wanted to. I did forget to wear the heart rate band for my new Polar running watch, so I don’t have any new and exciting data for yesterday. 

Today, on the other hand…

All kinds of fun stuff. The most important to me is the info about what Zone my heart rate was for my run. I kinda like that there was a variety because supposedly that makes for burning more calories. I need to read up more on it though since I’ve heard about endurance training requiring lower intensity for a longer time. We shall see what I come up with in my lack of free time haha. 

This weekend I visited my older brother in the middle of the state. We left Felix with my parents and got a weekend with only one kid. It was awesome. We went bowling and played cards, and then Jared and I took the baby to a WWE event. 

My eating was right around 2000 a day on both Saturday and Sunday, so I’m hoping for another loss this week, but it may not be so kind on the scale. 

It’s funny, I already feel like my face is getting thinner tho so I’m taking more pictures. I like it. Even if it’s not true, working out gives me confidence so I think I’m getting thinner. It’s a good thing overall I’d say. Someday I’ll look back and want pictures of me from my babies’ childhoods. 😊

Weigh in happy dance

After two weeks of complaining about my scale, I ended up buying a new one. I think the last one was actually kinda accurate but the guessing game was annoying. So, I got the Health o Meter brand one that was more advanced than the other one I’d had. It shows body fat, water, bmi, and about 10 other things that I don’t care about so I’m not listing them haha. 

Obviously I’m embarrassed by the amount of fat in my body, but if I post this picture of where I started then I have some documentation in case I stop posting the actual picture. The screen lights up and is very tricky to take a picture of in the 15 second window. 

This is what several other pictures looked like haha. 

Anyways, I lost theee pounds since my final weigh in on my questionable scale. I’m gonna go with it cuz I like the number and the hard work appears to be paying off. 

This weekend my husband and I are visiting my brother in the middle of the state. We’re taking the baby cuz I’m nursing him, but the toddler is having a weekend at grandma and grandpa’s house. It’ll be a nice little vaca. Hopefully we’ll get a little extra sleep and enjoy some fun wherever we want to go, instead of only finding toddler-friendly locations. Sounds silly, but that really limits options. He’s at the age he can’t even sit in a restaurant so I’m hoping to have my fill of restaurant food haha. And hang out with my brother, of course. 

Hubby also talked me into getting tickets for a WWE event on Sunday, so Sebi will get to see his first professional wrestling match. He was in my belly for the last one we went to in Youngstown and the first trimester nausea paired with very smelly fans was brutal. This should be better. Hope the announcements don’t hurt his little ears tho! 

In other news, Felix now nurses his baby while mommy feeds baby brother. God kids are so smart. 😍😂

Accomplishing random goals

I wrote earlier this week about some household projects that I wish would be done by the time I went back to work next week (a little late to plan, right?). I am proud to announce that I actually did finish one of them with Jared’s help! We had alllllll these bushes in the front yard that were huge and appeared to be swallowing our house. 

We now have a window! Ha okay the window was already there, but two days ago nobody could see it because the rhododendrons were swallowing it. It may not look like much but it was a lengthy process involving borrowing the neighbors sawzall, digging with a shovel, and having my dad over to help haul in his truck. It took some real elbow grease (can you say that for outdoor work?) to get the tree-sized plants cut out and hauled off. So, success with one of my vague wannabe goals! Yay! 

I also went running yesterday and Monday. I’m hoping to run this afternoon too, which I wouldn’t normally be able to do, but felixs old babysitter wanted to spend some time with him so I’ll have some time with just one baby for a while. Another yay! Being with both all day is awesome and exhausting and I’m looking forward to a little break. 

Sebi and I have been bonding over the last couple days between endless nursing sessions and longer awake time. 

My teeny baby is almost two months! 😩 I knew it would fly by but it is quite sad and happy all at once. Time goes on whether  we want it to or not. 

That goes back to the quote “6 months will pass whether you’re working out or not.” So, might as well work out, hold my babies, and take a million pictures as life changes. 

One last small celebration today:

Yesterday I gave up my right before bed / bedtime nursing treat of a no sugar added Klondike in order to stay in the green. It was worth it. I didn’t even dream about ice cream 😜

Last Monday of leave

Today marks the one week countdown until my return to work. I can’t lie, I’m excited and dreading it all at once. 

No more of this all day 😢

I don’t think I’ll be as emotional this time, buuut we still don’t have daycare totally figured out since our babysitter had to go back into the workforce. Ignorance is bliss, which has been my lax attitude while I don’t panic despite not having a sitter for 2 of the 5 workdays per week. Ugh. 

Anyways, I have a few projects I’ve been thinking about doing this week as a “I know I won’t have time to do this any other time” projects. For example, painting the downstairs of my house, removing any or all ugly wallpaper, completely overhauling our overgrown and hideous gardens, etc etc etc. The reality is, it’s nearly impossible to do any of these with a toddler, since the gardens I want to mess with are in the front and i can’t have him outside while I do it. Painting would be a mess too, since he’d inevitably touch the paint on the walls and mess it up. So I either have to peel wallpaper and not paint the remaining walls, or I have to do the work while my husband is home. The second option would work, but as I mentioned before, he’s been oddly tired lately and not too focused on the family. 

So, I’m not sure what I’ll do but I would like to do SOMETHING so I feel a little accomplished after leave ends. 

I will say this, though: running has made me feel like I’m working in a positive direction and I feel like I am doing something for myself and making the most of my leave. So even if I don’t do a project, I’ve still been exercising at least 3 times a week and gotten back into a healthy eating routine. Now I need to continue that when I go back. Finding time to work out will be significantly more difficult; however, I never got rid of my gym membership even tho I wasn’t going, so I can go back and workout on lunch if I need to. In fact, I would reeeeally like to do that if possible. We shall see. 

Today I took Sebi when I went out to run. It was a good workout and I felt good. I spent time thinking about long term goals and what I’d like to see happen over the next several months and year. Obviously, each week I want to lose weight and continue working out at least 3 times. But, I know when c25k ends, I always get stuck trying to find a new goal or program. So, while thinking about what that means, I decided that I will do the 10k trainer too, if possible with the time constraints, and then stick to that distance as a max while I work on improving my speed. That means I will be able to run 6ish miles as a long run, and do some speed work as an attempt to drop my average speed per mile while I also drop weight. I follow the Runs for Cookies blog and I’ve noticed over time that her time improves when she is at a lower weight (yes, this sounds obvious) so I’m not going to try to improve speed as much as endurance while I’m still at my heaviest. 

Jared wants to go to Florida around the new year to meet my parents for a vaca, so that is something else that is in the back of my mind as far as goals are concerned, because id like to be in the 240s or lower by then, equalling about 10lbs per month. It’s reasonable for a goal and has been achieved in the past, so I know I can do it, but it does help to have some things to look forward to and aim for while I’m on this long journey. My goal weight is 160 (kinda just a number I picked within the healthy range) so I have a loooong way to go. Little things along the way will help. First number goal is 10%, which would be 245 lbs, so December may be an exciting month for me lol. Other things that I’ll be excited for will be noted and celebrated along the way. 

Foodie fest, cool rain, and maternity leave countdown

It’s been an interesting couple of days! My eating has been on point, despite being put in a situation where I was forced to eat fast food — not only did I order a grilled chicken sandwich, but I was planning to eat the fries and after having a couple I decided they weren’t satisfying and gave them all away. Proud moment. Feeling mentally strong! 

My last run was Thursday and it felt awesome. Jared made me take Felix (ok he didn’t MAKE me) because he’d been frustrated all morning and wanted to take a nap. So, I did, and then after I was done I met Jared at the playground with the kids to get some energy out. 
The run was tough but I felt good. It was the week where we begin doubling the amount of running time, so of course it was tough. But as I said before, doable. 

I visited the river with my parents yesterday and had a nice afternoon with the boys. I even won a game of hearts after an epic come back! After feeling kinda drained and stuck for a few days or a week, I feel back in control and strong. I’m sure the good weigh in didn’t hurt. 😉

Today was foodie fest in grove city, which really means they set up a tent downtown with a couple samples from local restaurants and you go and try the food and make friends. There wasn’t any food that was notably good, so I took one bite of most things and didn’t finish anything I didn’t like. It was nice to have a “special day” and still make good choices. I’m getting better at turning down food that isn’t satisfying because I don’t want to eat just to eat. 

Happy on weigh in day?

That’s right. I weighed in and I am THRILLED. 

I definitely do need a new scale, because I weighed myself three times and none of them matched. So, I just took the highest one and went with it lol. I feel like it’s fairly accurate, since I did well with eating and exercising this week. I’m gonna be doing some research on a new scale but for now this will have to do. 

Anyways, that is 3.6 lbs lost AND I still have a solid milk supply. I pumped 2 oz while feeding Sebi the last two mornings so I’m not stressing too much. I am also eating oatmeal which is supposed to help so that may be doing me a favor. 

Anyways, I’m heading out for a run shortly and looking forward to feeling proud for a day! This is the feeling I was looking for two weeks ago when I lost my shit temporarily lol. Heres to a comeback!

Touched out

This is something that I see describing motherhood at times, and I’m not sure I fully understood the concept until I had Sebi and Felix regressed to needy baby mode. 

I love breastfeeding and cuddling and providing nourishment to my baby, just as I did for Felix for 16 months. BUT. I feel pinned down so often when nursing, especially right now while I’m on maternity leave and spend all afternoon and evening with the boys alone… Every damn day. 

I will say this. Running is helping because I’m more tolerant and more emotionally sound. I’ve been trying to get my runs in alone when possible, but Jared’s been struggling with being detached right now, so he is not doing so well with toddler tantrums. I’ll say this, he’s a great man and father, but life is tough right now. 

In other news, I did my second run of the week this morning. I felt good and I’m ready to move on to week 4 of c25k, which will start tomorrow. I’ll prob feel totally dead but I do feel like it’s time to bump up. Today I did some squats and lunches before running in an effort to strengthen my legs so I can avoid injury, but I am so weak I could only do 1 set of 15 each. Man I’m weak. 😅

In the Green

I had a good eating day today! I actually got pretty obsessive about food around 3 because I had eaten lunch at like 1030 and ran afterwards. So, I ate “dinner” at like 4, knowing that I may be in deep shit at like 7 because I would be ravenously hungry. I was thinking about food non stop at about 6, but instead of eating everything in the house, I took the boys out for a walk. It was suuuch a relief. I got fresh air, Sebi wasn’t fussy, Felix got a change in scenery, and I haven’t been obsessing about food since! Such a success. 

I also adjusted my calorie goal to 1800 today because it’s a little under 300 calories more than the goal they had set, which takes into account my breastfeeding needs. Here’s to hoping for a success on the scale this week. 

This is a fruit basket I got today from work. Felix and I are enjoying the fruit as a healthy thing to munch on as much as needed without guilt. 

Saturday weigh in

So, to be totally honest again, I did weigh in yesterday, but I had binged the day before and the scale wasn’t accurate. I wanted to show an accurate weight that wasn’t totally overboard due to extra calories and sodium. So. Here is my weight today: 

I’m fairly certain that my scale is not too accurate so I may get a new one in the following weeks. Regardless, this is what it said for 2 out of 3 weights this morning (the other one was lower but I don’t believe it lol) so we’re going with this. It is actually a smaller gain than last week despite overeating most days. So frustrating! But, truth is, last week I was overeating too, I just was trying super hard not to, so it isn’t that big of a surprise that I gained. 

I did get three runs in this week again, tho, despite feeling stuck after last week. I feel good about that, and I’m on week 3 of c25k, which is the last one that feels doable/fairly easy. I remember every week after this feeling impossible, even tho I was able to do it. So, I will just keep remembering that and hang in there. The running really does help me feel better. And it makes me eat better too. When I went running yesterday after a bingey day on Thursday, I felt sluggish and heavy. Today was a harder workout and it actually felt easier because I ate nutritional calories yesterday (chicken, spinach, etc). 

I saw that on Pinterest yesterday and actually laughed out loud. It’s so true. That’s one of those things that makes me want to keep going. Another is the quote, “The months will pass whether you’re working out or not.” Also, “In 6 months, you’ll be glad you started now.”  That one hits me hard because last year I tried to get back into working out in the spring but quickly lost interest. It was really about 6 months later (and 20 more lbs) that I started. If I had stuck with in in March, I wouldn’t have had the extra 20 and would have been way ahead in the fall. 

No regrets, just trying to learn from it. This is life long. I need to stick it out during the hard part and enjoy the easier parts. 

All this talk makes me tired. 😍☺️😴